The Mathematics of Distance.

She is not sure of her own sanity. Last night she was stuck between two giant fears. She was afraid that, as she lay on the floor of her sisters apartment, a few blocks away, her apartment was burning down.

She closed her eyes to hear the sirens.

The second thought put her into a less immediate panic, but emptied her of any full she felt. It was an instant but she was able to stop it, slow it down and see it. Maybe the Matrix was right, she hadn't even seen the whole thing, but it made so much sense that we were all just plugged into some giant dream generator. She thought that perhaps all her relationships were intended and feigned, that everything feeling like reality was just a psychotic delusion marred from the bottom of a grey steel cell with her arms wrapped locked around her body.

She opened her eyes and felt the carpet and her hair and her face and her thighs.

Tangible does not mean real. Imploring ones self to see rationally does not mean one will and then she was frightened. She cried because maybe this confusion was the only real thing. That the reason music is always playing, and she reads books with implausible situations, and drinks heavier than the city rains is because the need to withdraw herself is too great. Because in order to continue she needs to lie to herself until the death.

She holds her eyes open in fear of dreaming.

The day is numb but the night is for her. She falls into sleep and drops into strange places. She stands on cliffs miles above the earth only to see it has been flooded. She watches her friends die in black and white and red. She hears clapping and laughing and runs through long blue corridors of old crumbling buildings wondering if she will see the one solace.

She pulls her knees to chest and cries. Long slow heaves that pull swollen organs.

In her he leaves a trail of absence, and stirs in her an inexplicable amount of everything and nothing. There is a love with no label, and questions all together the science of this LOVE.

a+b=x but x=x and a= nothing at all.

but with him a+b=ab, and x=x, and on its own a= nothing, but paired with b, a becomes real.

She stands up and walks into the bathroom and writes these equations on the mirror with eye pencil. She sees them reflected twice and wishes she could squeeze an = between the reflections so there would be less mess. Purged onto the mirror she stands back and feels her left hand palpitate. Blood flows alright and she sits on the toilet drawing her knees to her chest. She is a. And he is b. and with out the other neither make sense.

and it makes perfect sense.

a remembers when once she told b when b feared his sanity...

...because you are not a normal person, if they cut you open it would be caverns and magnets and polars and alchemy would resurface as the ancient truth and in it is all because of you. We are not normal people. And we don't have a normal friendship. And this wont end badly because we both need each other too much, as both tangible and intangible movements.

She empties her head and sees her with him, standing on the edge of the end of the world with the only hand to hold is his.

2009

Bad Excuse

All accidents and this is not an excuse rather an explanation.

Abusers. I have nothing to give them. I say it too. “I have nothing to give you.” But they follow and then lash. I give them everything, like quarters dug from couch cushions to buy a few forties so you can forget just how broke you are. I give them that. It is all I have. they beat me swift slap and ask for more. Blue Velvet. Right? I am not a mess. I just want to escape my life. Or have everyone evacuate so it can just be me again. Riding a train with earphones stuffed into my head I want them to melt into me so I don’t have to take them off. Listen to Diamanda scream in my head, and her voice tremors the way I wish I could speak. I asked where normal was, and Boy said Minnesota.

Doubtful. Then she said that I was Venus with a heart like borealis ripping open the night sky and kissed me. We made fuck love till five then slept. I dreamt that I was a Satanist who believes in good. Lilacs shoved down the barrel of loaded guns. I am standing on a mountain of discharged shells. When we woke up she remembered she had lost her wallet. I shrugged with a plume of smoke and said “so what, go get another id.” she said she cant and threw her bag on the floor. She said she cant because she is on the Lam, arson. grand theft. possession of illegal firearms. and like felonious poetry I thought I was in love.

she raged on my kitchen floor with boys tears stuck in her eyes, and a line from tegan and sara came into my head.
“I would go to jail with only boys, just to prove I was as tough as you.”

When I told Boy all of this he smirked “you need to find the key to their heart.” he explained to me through computer screens. “then you own them. maybe you should stop thinking its so exciting, or ya know, ask yourself what’s wrong with being a felon?”
keys. keys. locks. chains. words. fucking so hard your skin looks like camouflage and when I sit down I can see all these veins. No one can touch those.
On the train speeding through tunnels I stretched my arms out and traced those veins that seemed to not even be a real part of me. like magic marker that is nearly dried out scratched against chemical white paper. I wanted Boy to see me cry because Boy still closes his eyes at night and wonders if I exist.

I still close my eyes at night and wonder if I exist.

I want Boy to see me cry. I want Boy to lift up his shirt and show me his back and expose the scars that sit evenly apart above his shoulder blades. But we together- it cant all mean this when this is ripped open. The land laid to waste and there really was nothing left. I cant help but wonder if maybe this is what Boys body looked like scaring over, the wounds holding hands as flesh pulled taught and renewed, re-birthed from the crusted old puss.

at night I close my eyes and wish for sleep.

She calls me up while I am writing words that will soon amount to a portrait of her. She is broken and I imagine her curled up in boxers and a shirt. its hard to picture her sad. When we fuck she smells like fire and earth and my orgasms are dreams of campfires. Her energy is celestial and I believe we call into existence something that didn’t before when we touch. Fire and Air. Polars.

Boy is polar to me too. But boy is my angel that I can not touch. She is everything I can touch, she is evil and perfect, brilliant and bad.

And my therapist said that something dark like oil ran through my veins. I stretched my arms out to show her these mapped out canyons that lead to rotting heart and I believed her. She also said that the devil runs between walls. whispering to me in sleep and one time I opened my closet door and he tumbled out looking like a faint shadow but I knew it was him because when he stood I could see he wings spread expanse across my room. As a child I saw this. I knew then nothing was right and everything was wrong. In my head he slides between walls and he will not drown.

So now I have that memory and two polars that when cross examined make up the same picture. She is the shadow and Boy has the wings. She beat boy to the punch and punched the ground this morning over a lost ID. a lost Identity, a warrant, and did I tell you she can siphon gas?

The rotting sea splits and all we have is this.

I cant really remember order but it began in this hogwarts like castle and there were these ghost warewolves there who kept telling me that I had to go to the ocean....
and then I am driving a taxi to the ocean , and pretty much it is miles and miles of desolate beach. its apparent that everything has been washed over and all there is is beach & ocean on one side of the small road, and more sand on the other. So I am driving and I can see all this debris on the horizon line of the ocean and then I see a group of people and Skyler is standing ontop of this log.
my brother calls and asks me if I can find his frat pin that he dropped in my taxi (a small yellow gold freemason pin) I find it and for the rest of the dream I am dropping it and picking it up, holding tightly onto it. meanwhile I park and get out and I go and stand next to you on this HUGE log there are other people who kept saying they were vampires and shit. and we watched at all these ships, starting to drift in and getting stuck on the beach. at one point Skyler and I were sitting right where the water meets
and note
the sky was like all grey and I didnt know what time it was, and it was warm

so we are sitting on the edge and all of a sudden this massive blue ship pops up from under the surface and gets washed ashore nearly crushing us, but he grab my hand and we run from it. then we sit on the log watching a double decker bus wash in attactched to a phone pole...more ships wash in slowly with the tide and whatever
then I realize we need to go to the bunker I was staying at and my mom was there and she was cooking for a ton of people
it was all these random people from my childhood and some of my friends now and i am getting upset bc she wont talk to Skyler. Shes cooking and I am starting to worry bc I am afraid my brother is going to get stuck in the dunes after night fall
one of my oldest friends David shows up and he walks in, grabs me and kisses me really hard on the mouth and drags me outside he tells me how before it all ends he needs to tell me that he loves me. He is gay, but he loves me with all his heart.
fin.

no shame

...nope. None at all haha!

Hottest Hookup	Biggest Breakup
Lindsay Lohan and Sa...	Madonna and Guy Ritc...
Favorite Jonas	Breakout Star of the Year
Joe	Lady Gaga
Baddest Bad Girl	Biggest Scandal
Amy Winehouse	Lindsay Lohan and sa...
Best Dressed	Worst Dressed
Rihanna	Aubrey O'Day
Hottest Hottie	Cutest Celebuspawn
Chace Crawford	Kingston Rossdale
Most Improved	Worst Trainwreck
Perez Hilton	Amy Winehouse
Most DVR-worthy Series	Biggest Box Office Blowout
True Blood	The Dark Knight
Celeb of the Year
Rihanna

Who would you vote for?
Go to PerezHilton.com to vote!

Apocalyptic Saw dream

the lewd show has convicts in handcuffs being sucked off by two women. Tom cruise is dressed as Hitler and doing a mash-up with Kanyae West. There are lights are flashing and everything is insane. The people in my row and I get called by a man who looks like Marilyn Manson and we are brought into this dingy room filled with weird garbage. We are told we will sleep here for an undetermined amount of time, and I can see a man dart behind the door.

They bring us into a trial room and we are standing up in three rows. Andy is there and he freaks out and kills a guy. I escape home and tell Bex and she just throws her arms around him.

Skyler, me and the whole group get brought to a large piece of farm land and emptied into a house. We are told that we have one chance and we may use a golf club but there is only one. I escape before they arm the place. I run down the road and I am able to make it back home.
Skyler and I get picked up by a bus and he is taking all the blonde kids. I begin to notice that blonde is the trigger. we are brought to a beach and I am on the beach wit a few of these counselors. I am telling a story about how one time Alicia and I went to a beach and walked out a half a mile to this large sand trap. The tide is very low and receding but no one thinks much of it.

In my head I see a boy in brown laying on top of a mountain. he is on his back and he waves his arms and the ground begins to crack and the ocean begins to rise. I start running up and I am ready to swim. I am jumping up to higher and higher areas and the ocean is rising incredibly fast I am reaching for Skyler and he is running after me. It seems almost as if it coming from the ground as well. I manage to escape and am picked up by the bus driver who has lost all his kids, but he tells me we have one more required stop on the tour and he takes me to the gardens that lead to the initial house. I am fucked.

And Now...

I am afraid I have made a mistake. I am afraid that I put my foot in the door and destroyed everything. And made you make bad decisions. And these thoughts I have of you are fantastic and perhaps unrealistic. And you are my dearest friend, and you will begin to love again I promise. And I want to be that love. And I want the golden gates to open her arms and pull you in. And I want there to be less fear ...no fear is unrealistic. And I understand that this could go awry. And I know that it may not work out. But I think its worth the try...


we have waited too long?

we have waited the right amount.

And now I am pacing. And now you are getting into a car and talking and emoting. And now I am typing this. And now someone is dying and wondering if they made mistakes and now they are hoping that the people out there act and dont end up unhappy and dead like he is about to. And now we are fucking up and hoping its for the right reasons. And now we do the things we have to. And now we hurt. And now we get better. And now we hurt other people. And now there are birds cawing outside my window. And now they are flying away. And now a woman is getting in a cab to rush to her dying father. And now he is waiting for her. And now they will be together. And now tears from her face as the cab pulls closer to the hospital. And now in your car her tears fall too. And now you wish you had tears to fall so she could see you hurt too. And now you are hugging. And now she is leaving. And now you are wondering if it was a mistake. And now two fat ladies with no ankles are passing by and staring at me for too long. And now a little girl with dredlocks is looking at me too. And now I am wondering if they see my apprehension. And now they are all passing me by. And now I am still sitting here. And now the cafe attendant asks me if I would like a re-fill. And now I am thinking of ways to fill my void. And now I know that nothing will fill my void. And now you are wondering if you can fill my void. And now you are wondering if I can fill your void. And now we know that we cannot fill each other voids. And now these voids are growing. And now we fear them consuming us. And now we remember that the pit black deeps of our voids will not get us. And now we are getting up. And now we are turning around. And now we are determined to be okay. And soon we can see. And now is a new beginning.

Dream Machine

I have been dreaming ALOT lately. The kinds of dreams where you wake up feeling exhausted because your mind was so active... yeah... sucks. I am trying to remember ones from earlier this week, but in the meantime I will post the one I had last night... super crazy.

so I dreamt about this girl who I keep dreaming about for some reason
this chick T ( I had a dream last week where her and I got married) and then I dreamt that my friends were on top of this huge cliff. The cliff was a plateau hundreds of miles above the earth. The earth was covered in water and everything was sunset colors. It started to pour, and we were running aroud on the top of this mountain cliff, like reeeeeeeally up there in the clouds
and at one point we are running to the edge and I see this weird blue fish... it was beautiful and It was still alive bc it was wiggling. I went to pick it up and throw it into the ocean but it stung me and latched onto me. I threw it to the ground and squeezed all the puss out of my hand which dripped out of my hand like sap. Then a couple minutes later this woman comes by and she reaches down to pick the fish up and the same thing happens to her except much worse. She comes over to us and is like "I want to show you something" meanwhile her hand is really fucked up. she takes a knife, cuts her hand off and begins to carve the fish really intricately, in spirals. She draws a square into the blue dirt and a small grill is created (?) and she fries the fish.




When I told my friend Skyler about the dream he said:

something so beautiful that sucks the life out of you... someone will save you from it and make you realize there is more beauty than the fish itself ( the person who saves you)


isnt it funny how other people can interpret your dreams but you cant? because you will make stuff up as you want it to fit your life. I think he is right in the interpretation. Anyway... dream memory purged.

Prop Hate & McCain

I think these quotes should be plastered over McCain & Palin and Vote Yes on 8 signs:

"People who talk about revolution and class struggle without referring explicitly to everyday life, without understanding what is subversive about love and what is positive in the refusal of constraints, such people have a corpse in their mouth"- Raoul Vaneigem


"No human difference matters much until it becomes a privilege, until it becomes the basis for
oppression. Power is the vector that turns minor into major.
"
-Michael Ignatieff

...also, to make it biblical, remember the story of Cain & Abel? How Cain slew his brother Abel for being accepted by god?

Mc CAIN? I wonder what will happen if Obama is chosen, will 'Cain slay his brother for being chosen by a nation? He keeps forgetting that Nationalism is at the root of all great evils. Keep up with the demagogic speeches and we will be no better than the Cananites.