the best birthday gift.

time is strange, i find it weird that you are 23. weird too, that i am 24 (well, in 4 days, lets not push it, ha).
i know i have beaten the subject to death, as i tend to do, but i am beyond sad and remorseful about getting your hopes up then dropping them. i had so much joy in my little heart thinking about walking into your apt tonight and hugging you and seeing you face near mine.

i had it pointed out to me at a meeting last night that i look like shit. which is probably true, i have been stressing myself to the max, and my head hasnt stopped pounding for days. last night as i was laying in bed, it occurred to me for perhaps the first time, what it must have felt like watching me slowly kill myself and being sober all the while. all the tears and anxiety and HURT that won't be released, stops up some part of the body. like the endless headaches, for example. i don;t know how you did it, but i can't express enough gratitude for keeping me alive that year. you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

i want a life with you. and due to my addict tendencies, i wanna throw a fucking temper tantrum and scream and pound my fists "i want it NOW!!!!"
but, im working my ass off to change my thoughts and beliefs. i want to be the best person i can, for myself first, but i want to share it with you.
i didnt get what all the "work" in recovery i heard about meant, but i think im starting to get it. it means making responsible decisions, laying in bed with fists clenched and teeth ground, if need be, to stick to your convictions. with the hope this all leads to a better place.

i remember you used to express a worry that if you left, i wouldnt care, i would get over you and you would never be able to get over me.
even if we dont work out, ill never "get over" you. i gave you a piece of me, i took a piece of you. and ill never regret that. you will never be a "lora", either, i truely believe we have some reason to be lovers.
one time you asked me what i thought a girlfriend should be. i said something smart-assed. all i know is i want to be there for someone, to support their growth and experience, to share responsibilities, to make life better for them. and i would like the same in return.
we are seemingly impossible to break. teeth gritted til we can be us again.

i hope year 23 brings you closer to self-assured self-realization. you are already well on your way.
i love you now and always,
bb bat



bat. I love you.