the stocks fell 777 pts yesterday

777? Aleister Crowley anyone?

and in case you were wondering. The world is about to end.

the best birthday gift.

time is strange, i find it weird that you are 23. weird too, that i am 24 (well, in 4 days, lets not push it, ha).
i know i have beaten the subject to death, as i tend to do, but i am beyond sad and remorseful about getting your hopes up then dropping them. i had so much joy in my little heart thinking about walking into your apt tonight and hugging you and seeing you face near mine.

i had it pointed out to me at a meeting last night that i look like shit. which is probably true, i have been stressing myself to the max, and my head hasnt stopped pounding for days. last night as i was laying in bed, it occurred to me for perhaps the first time, what it must have felt like watching me slowly kill myself and being sober all the while. all the tears and anxiety and HURT that won't be released, stops up some part of the body. like the endless headaches, for example. i don;t know how you did it, but i can't express enough gratitude for keeping me alive that year. you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

i want a life with you. and due to my addict tendencies, i wanna throw a fucking temper tantrum and scream and pound my fists "i want it NOW!!!!"
but, im working my ass off to change my thoughts and beliefs. i want to be the best person i can, for myself first, but i want to share it with you.
i didnt get what all the "work" in recovery i heard about meant, but i think im starting to get it. it means making responsible decisions, laying in bed with fists clenched and teeth ground, if need be, to stick to your convictions. with the hope this all leads to a better place.

i remember you used to express a worry that if you left, i wouldnt care, i would get over you and you would never be able to get over me.
even if we dont work out, ill never "get over" you. i gave you a piece of me, i took a piece of you. and ill never regret that. you will never be a "lora", either, i truely believe we have some reason to be lovers.
one time you asked me what i thought a girlfriend should be. i said something smart-assed. all i know is i want to be there for someone, to support their growth and experience, to share responsibilities, to make life better for them. and i would like the same in return.
we are seemingly impossible to break. teeth gritted til we can be us again.

i hope year 23 brings you closer to self-assured self-realization. you are already well on your way.
i love you now and always,
bb bat



bat. I love you.

A hibernation.

I had so many expectations. So many things I had planned and this heart that is rotted, for a moment felt full. I had dreams in which it had already happened and it made the passing of time feel fluid in my head. I wanted something I couldn't have. Maybe I can never have it again.

But I wanted.

I wanted with such a full soul. I had this need and desire that burned at night. Illuminated my organs and pulled at my throat making me sing. Stolen minutes between classes, on walks, or any spare moment was consumed with you.

And now it is not.

Now it is consumed with you and how I do not have you. Can't have you.

Will probably never know you again.


Listen to Devendra Banharts "I remember".

Dont listen to Regina Spektor. She will make it hurt much worse.





I remember.

I remember a faraway laugh
A sweet caress
You'd help me zip up my dress

I remember your arms around my neck
21 shells wrapped in my nest
Endlessness
Didn't last

I won't change
Given the chance

And I remember no place for me to hide
Before you came home at night
I remember you turning out the lights
All I ever saw was the red in your eyes
No big surprise
Happened nearly every night

Your own flesh and blood
I did wonder why

I remember not knowing what to say
And how calm you had remained
Your child stillborn with no name
I remember the never-ending summer rain
Oh
Please don't let what was get in the way of what's next
Don't forget
That what's to come hasn't come yet

http://www.myspace.com/illbepissedifthisurlistaken12

don't put dogs blood in your bong.

I am confused about everything. What the hell else is new.

I am writing a lot. Onto this story that feels like a lead in a murder case or something. Anyhow, I havent slept properly in days. About 10 hours of sleep in the past 5 days, I feel crazy and last night I am pretty sure I imagined an entire conversation i had.

I am freaking everyone out. First this bartender tells me she was looking at my myspace and decided that I was the craziest person she knew, which is remarkable and upsetting.



Then I played this joke on my friend that I guess backfired. I told her that my friend and I had to leave the bar last night because we had stuff to do and she was like "what kind of stuff?"
D: oh you know, incantations and stuff... it is a full moon dude.
A: what? what are incantations?
D: prayers kinda... like, spells.
A: what? what do you pray to?
D: well, just like, things that can help me, bring me protection and what not.
A: like who?
D: Cthulu, Asteroth, Maab, you know..
A: ar eyou fucking kidding me dude? what do you do?
D: well its nothing big dude, dont freak over it, we just make a small cut on our palm. It is a blood sacrifice, I do it every full moon.



She freaks and gets out of the car and tells me we cant be friends anymore. It was supposed to be a joke, but I guess I knew too much or was like, too serious or whatever. Anyhow it blew up in my face and I had to convince her I was kidding.

Although on retrospection, I can see how she could have believed me. To someone who doesnt know this shit, it sure sounds like I do. And earler that night I made a joke because someone gave me a bottle of wine in a brown bag and she asked what it was. Joking I said "dogs blood".

I am an asshole.

Anyways its fine now. I just need to get better at hiding myself.

mirror waged war

Obsessed.






this isnt vanity anymore.